Saturday, May 26, 2007

and also

In a sort of lead-up to Renegade Evolution's blog for sex ed day (the fourth), I'd like to extend the following to y'all, as I did on my livejournal:

Ask me questions about kinky sex (I figure if you're reading my journal, you know the basics). I am not an expert, but I play one in the bedroom have a decent grounding and some ideas on where to look for more info. I promise, I will answer all questions with at the least, a couple links from google that seem not to be bullshit, and personal experience if I have it (though some stories need to be cleared with the boyfriend first). Hell, ask me about lube brands or where to buy restraints or positions or anything! I live to serve no not like that! your educational needs, because lack of knowledge bothers me. Anonymous comments are perfectly welcome. No shame need be involved.

I don't know a whole bunch, have a lot to say about, or even feel very qualified to talk about sex ed in schools, so I'll just perform some. I always wanted to be a teacher growing up...let me educate you!

11 comments:

belledame222 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
belledame222 said...

hey, allie, you know about our new blog, right? this entry would fit right in as well...

Anonymous said...

This took a whole lot to ask, even anon, but here it goes. Can anyone give any good advice on how to secure an extra female for 3 way sex? Being female, bi, and extremely shy is not helping my cause whatsoever. Being bi is really risky for my ego cause I know lesbians don't really care for me and bi women are hard to come by especially one who'd like to become me and significant other's plaything.

Allie said...

Well, there's always Craigslist...

I have had non-monogamous relationships go down in flames in a big way before, when not everybody was on the same page, wanted different things, etc etc. So I would look for a girl who is primarily a good communicator and not prone to a lot of relationship drama -- and someone you and your SO both feel comfortable with. Work out ahead of time with your SO what exactly you're interested in -- a one-time thing, an ongoing no-strings sex deal, a serious relationship -- and be up-front about it with the girl.

You could go the Craigslist, dating site, internet kind of route, or you could look around and see if there are any of your friends you think it could work with. I have only ever had sex with people I already knew pretty well, so I'm biased toward it. I would suggest bringing it up by saying something like "We've been thinking/talking about it, and SO and I are really interested in trying a threesome." or "I think threesomes are really hot, what do you think?". If you're not comfortable talking about it with the girl, it's only going to get more awkward once you want to start *doing* it with the girl.

If she seems interested, ask if she'd like to try it sometime. Give her time to think about it, let her know there's no pressure. If she wants to, get together the three of you sometime and go over what exactly you all want out of it, what you're comfortable with and not comfortable with, and make sure there won't be any surprises. It doesn't seem to me like this is a good situation to try the spontaneous approach!

If you're really shy, broaching the subject in the first place might be easier over IM or email, I know it is for me.

My boyfriend says "Good question, sheesh.. Wish I knew better.
Seems to be a matter of having a mutual friend who you're both attracted to and comfortable with... and being fairly frank about asking if their interested and arranging the details. It helps to be really up front to avoid drama, for sure...
But if you don't already have a candidate...
Uh... craigslist? Not really the best option.
I would also stress the importance of not seducing the third separate from your partner, or things could get messy.

"You know, I really like you, and you're very attractive.. Would you be interested in fooling around with me and my SO? Nothing serious at first, we can just hang out for a while and see what happens, maybe catch a movie.""

He also mentions swinger clubs (there's one in our neighborhood) but as he puts it, "that takes balls".

Some links: http://www.polyamory.org/
http://boston.polyamory.org/polycol/polycol-9.html
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

Most of what I'm finding is poly-based, that is, written by and for people in fairly long-term multiple partner situations, but I think a bunch of the ideas are applicable here too, to keep things from getting out of hand and making everybody uncomfortable. As for how to bring up the subject, maybe try some more "vanilla" dating advice sites? I couldn't tell you how to pick up a girl if you put a gun to my head, I'm socially inept as all hell, so I don't have much for you in the way of being smooth...

Allie said...

To whoever wrote the first comment and deleted it: I don't get email notification for this blog. If you'd like to get in touch with me privately, shoot me a line at kestrelct-at-livejournal-dot-com and I'll get back to you.

Anonymous said...

I linked over from another blog, so I'm embarrassed to ask such a completely vanilla question, but ... how does one reconcile an active gag reflex with a large penis? My poor man has been going without oral sex because there's something about the curve of his penis that makes me gag (a problem I haven't had before). Now we're both pretty gunshy about trying it because I end up sounding like a cat with a hairball if I'm not extremely cautious.

Oral sex was so much easier on less-endowed guys!

Allie said...

The thing that's worked best for me is practise. We started out with my hanging my head backwards over the edge of the bed with my partner standing -- this position opens your throat up more, making it easier to get a penis in further as it doesn't hit the wall of your throat at a right angle, but rather slides down it more naturally. If you put your hands on his thighs, you can get a certain amount of control over his depth, or at least make it abundantly clear when you need him to move. We would basically just go slowly so I could get used to having the back of my throat bonked and figure out how much I could take.

I discovered after a while that after my inital gag, I would be able to keep the penis in my throat with a minimum of discomfort for a little while more, and I think doing this rather than taking the first gag as a sign to pull out immediately helped me get better at it. You do need to realise that after a certain point in the session, you'll get more sensitive to it and be able to do less before the threat of losing your lunch comes up. So at that point, stop and do something else -- even just going back to me-on-top oral sex sans attempts at deepthroating is usually ok. By that point, the taste of precome is adding to my nausea, so if this is an issue to you you might want to have your partner shower just beforehand, and/or keep a washcloth nearby, or use a condom if that's better. Smell and taste are pretty closely related to gag, so anything that would make the penis more "neutral" might help you gag less easily. Oh, and remember that the penis can get in far enough that you won't be able to breathe through your nose, so take a deep breath beforehand.

I've heard of some people using bananas or popsicles to practise on as well. Evidently cold popsicles help because they numb your throat, which deadens the gag reflex. I might have suggested numbing throat spray before recently, but I used it for a cold and that shit is nasty, so no.

And also, I find that it's possible to give a perfectly enjoyable blowjob to only the first two or three inches. You don't really have to get it that far into your mouth if you've got some creative tongue use going on and are indefatigable. You might want to try that as a way of getting around the gunshy on going back -- make it clear that you want to go back to oral sex, and you want to try something low-threat first.

I hear you on the curve issue. A previous partner of mine had a curve that made initial vaginal penetration tricky and it drove me up the wall. I never realised there could be that much diversity in penii past length and girth!

No need to be embarrassed! It's a totally valid question on how to make your sex life more enjoyable, and there are certainly people in this country who would consider blowjobs kinky -- just like there are people who think what I do is terribly boring!

I found this website pretty helpful when I first started trying to deep throat, give it a read and see if it's helpful to you -- http://www.sexuality.org/l/sex/fellatio.html

Anonymous said...

Anon #1,

Thanks Allie so much for your help. Wish me luck!!

Anonymous said...

Do people really fuck with their heads under the sheets, or is that a tv and movie thing? Seriously, it just looks stifling.

Trinity said...

"I discovered after a while that after my inital gag, I would be able to keep the penis in my throat with a minimum of discomfort for a little while more, and I think doing this rather than taking the first gag as a sign to pull out immediately helped me get better at it"

Ha! I find this too. For me there's often an initial gag that isn't strong enough to actually do much, and then I'm fine.

Allie said...

I've sure never had sex with my head under the sheet. Sometimes, if it's cold, I insist on having our bodies under the blanket, but we usually generate enough heat and circulation that after a while I kick it off because it's in the way. Same with giving oral, it's tricky enough without a blanket on my head.

It's probably just there as a censor bar, so you can't see too much naked flesh.